[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep