“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
hmmm
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.