“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
peak technology
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team