Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.