Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
You Might Also Like
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother