[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth