Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.