@215potter: Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it's like, nom nom nom nom.
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@murrman5: [me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what? [wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
@AlmightyBored: Me to my 18yo, who doesn't like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period? Her: Justice.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
@rockymomax: ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature WIFE: yes ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature