Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*