My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?