I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Does beer think about me too?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]