I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.