“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.