BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You Might Also Like
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.