BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.