@UrbanDouchebag: Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.
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@Pundamentalism: I've got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
@dave_cactus: [Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis [Error: password too long] *high fives my laptop right off the desk*
@djdarrellripley: I should have seen this breakup coming.... The nicest thing she ever said to me was, "Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
@faizziy: Apparently "The WiFi signal is the strongest there" isn't the right answer when the boss asks "Why are you spending so much time in toilet?"