[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The 6 types of sex
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.