[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
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A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started