Boom, boom, ching!
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Has there ever been a more American story?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex