Boom, boom, ching!
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I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?