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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I saw this ending much differently.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak