accurate
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
How do you milk an almond?