I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
put ‘er there pardner!
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Once again not all heroes wear capes
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules