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@Eightinchgoat: Boom! You're pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
@TedBundybitch: When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying
@RedemptionAJ: Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
@Smug_Lemur: *at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I'm also good at directions
@1Happytwit: I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I'm pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.
@Vodkantots: You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."