Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.