if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me as a therapist: omg same
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.