@AHundredElbows: Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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@TheSharona06: Me: My tarot cards say that you're going to be in pain soon. Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No. *hurls Magic 8 Ball at him* Him: Ouch!
@man_in_radiator: My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
@BangMyBongo: Asking your mom, "Will there be any pretty girls coming?" Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
@TySmithdrums: Me: "Can I see the baby?" Sister: "Yes, but only if she's awake." Me, through a megaphone: "NOT A PROBLEM."