Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Not all heroes wear capes….
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?