@weinerdog4life: Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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@tastefactory: DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
@novicefather: I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
@thenatewolf: If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write "About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!" and then never post again