@hurlarious: Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
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@maughammom: The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
@Ray_stephan: A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
@NickMotown: To back up his "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" theory, Newton should've released one simultaneously saying "no it doesn't"
@BuckyIsotope: HORSE: *walks into a bar* BARTENDER: Why the long face? HORSE: Updog BARTENDER: What’s updog? HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar