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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.