Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
You Might Also Like
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?