Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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He a real one for that
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.