Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
called in thicc to work this morning
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
translated into Canadian
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Finally!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?