@enclaire: Bored, so I'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I'm her from the future.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [magicians backstage] don't panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
@Try2StopME: My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
@dumbbeezie: Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days