A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Coffee is ready.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“What?”
– Jude
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.