Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Favourite diary entry ever
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.