“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
this came to me in a vision
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.