Born to be mild.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The photographer’s assistant
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
looks legit
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.