Born to be mild.
You Might Also Like
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Dune (2021)
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.