Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You Might Also Like
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
#winning
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids