Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
some cats are just doing for fun!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
who wore it better?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.