Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My therapist after every session
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs