My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
You Might Also Like
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.