YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
You Might Also Like
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!