[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Baller is short for ballerina
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
peep davidson
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I came this close!!!!
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: