What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
a lot to unpack here
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.