Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you