Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
You Might Also Like
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
<—- homeless romantic
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead