Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times