Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Love this one 😂🧟
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing