Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”