Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
You Might Also Like
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
This has made my week.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?