“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.