Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Is this a threat?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
A new level of troll.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Geez man, take it easy.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.