Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My neck my back my allergy attack
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I am also baked goods
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.