@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I'm eating around a sticker on an apple cause I'm too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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@joemcshutup: Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
@ArfMeasures: ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
@DanMentos: "Hello, 911” Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad “Is it Goofy or Pluto?” I don’t see how- “Goofy or Pluto?” Pluto “Call a vet” *hangs up*