Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
#Caturday
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.